your parents love me but you hate me
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
