watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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