She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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