I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
