I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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