Quick, to the slutcave!
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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