i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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