Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
