Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
