please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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