I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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