so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
