Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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