It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
