I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
