he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
