Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
