i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Randomize
