i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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