found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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