I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
