So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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