Got a toothbrush?
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
BRING THE BAGELS
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
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