Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
