The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
