Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
