Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
