I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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