I wanna bring you to show and tell
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
