My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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