i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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