see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
