Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
