The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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