What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
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