the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
