Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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