She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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