I wish I could punch you in the face.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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