my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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