even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
