My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
