White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
