Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
