Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I just saw a hot homeless man
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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