OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
