shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
