Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
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