I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
