about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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